You know what I can't stand? When people debate the
existence of heaven. It's such a bored and tired subject. What really bothers
me is that it's always the same. Is there an afterlife, what if there's
not, etc. No one ever asks the really big questions. Whether or not heaven
really exists is not what concerns me. What worries me is: what if heaven
is exactly like people think it is?
When I think of so many people concerned with saving
their souls, hoping to reap the rewards in the afterlife, I'm like , Christ
! But let's assume, for the sake of argument, that there
is an afterlife.
Exactly what rewards do these people think that they're going to get? How
do they know what's out there. Ok, I know this itself is a tired subject,
but I gotta know. Why devote so much to a hunch? Ok, fine, I guess eternal
paradise would be worth the risk. But my point is, if you lead such a moral,
and quite frankly, boring, life, why wouldn't you act the same way in paradise?
Is heaven only filled with people who never did anything bad, and never
did anything that they thought would keep them out of heaven? If so, how
do you suppose they're going to act when they actually get to heaven?
Do you think that they're gonna tear loose? You think they're going to
party for eternity just because they can? Hell no. They'd be like "No,
no... This is
heaven.. We can't do that here!"
So let's say by some cosmic fluke that some "poor sap" who did something
"foolish" like eating meat on the wrong Friday or had pre-marital sex happens
to get into heaven. Will he be shunned by the rest of heaven? Will he be
judged and glared at and looked down upon even in the afterlife? I dunno
about you, but that doesn't sound like heaven to me. Basically,
what I'm saying is if heaven is going to be an eternal session of Sunday
school, gimme hell!
... Well, no, of course I don't wanna go to hell, but sheesh, c'mon.
Heaven's gotta be better than that..
"Mommy, what's wrong with Fluffy?" "She's just 'sleeping'."
And speaking of heaven, you wanna know what's always
bothered me? Where do animals go when they die? Now, someone once told
me that animals don't have souls. That that's what separates us from the
fauna. You know what I say? Bullshit. You know what else separates us from
animals? Opposable thumbs. You never see cows building printing presses
or operating heavy machinery, right? Oh, but guess what? What about monkeys,
gorillas, oranatangs, chimps, etcetera, etcetera. They just happen to have
opposable thumbs. Not only that, they even have opposable toes.
They've one-upped us on one of our defining characteristics. Do you suppose
they could have super-souls or something, for beings with more opposable
digits? Not that they've really done anything with them. But the point
is, primates are so close to humans in so many ways. Some even learned
sign-language for god's sake. Do they maybe sort of have souls?
What about little rodents with claws? They kind of have thumbs. So I wondering,
is it possible to have like half a soul? You know, like two squirrels
make one soul, and they kinda live in heaven as one squirrel? I guess it
just really bothers me to think that in heaven, it's just goody-two-shoe
type people. What about animals. If your idea of heaven is to go back to
your old neighborhood, won't you miss things like squirrels? And if there
are squirrels, are they just there for your convenience? Is it paradise
for them too? And are they now sentient, intelligent beings? And what about
predators? Must they still kill their prey?
That leads me to my next question/theory. Let's
just say for a moment that there are squirrels in heaven. If there
are squirrels in heaven, are there squirrels in Hell? And just what, exactly,
would you have to do as a squirrel to get there? Maybe hell for an animal
is to be in some predator's heaven, to be eaten and eaten again in a sort
of never ending Promethean cycle.
Karma
But here's why I really, really hope there's a heaven. At least what I hope heaven is like for me. One of the things that will forever piss me off is "unjustified" anger when it's really justified. I mean, getting pissed off at something that's technically your own fault, but really someone else's fault. For example. Someone cuts you off in traffic, forcing you to slow down. You then miss the yellow light that you were going to speed through. Five blocks down the road you rear-end some helpless old women. Now, of course it's just idiotic carelessness that's given this poor women whiplash. And you are liable. But... If that son of a bitch hadn't cut you off in the first place, you wouldn't have even been there. But is he at all liable? Noooooooooooo. He's free to go on driving like a jackass while you get your licenced revoked, are forced to take public transportation, slip and fall onto the charged third rail, and go to heaven through some cosmic screwup where you have to listen to " tis better to forgive" and "turn the other cheek" for eternity. I refuse to accept this. There has to be some kind of justice. If there's a god, I hope he's a vengeful, righteous sort. That's why I really hope there's a heaven. Karma. Vengeance. Sweet, sweet revenge. Oh, so sweet! Amen.
©1999 Three Match Breeze