Is it bad, karmically speaking, for me to see an ant on the bottom of the toilet seat, drop the toilet seat in hope of crushing the ant or throwing him into the toilet, see him in the toilet, pee on him (or around him, as he was too close to the near edge), then flush him unceremoniously down the drain?  I hope not.  Maybe it happened due to the ant's already bad karma, and I was just a tool of the cosmos assigned to carry out the sentence.  That's still not very comforting.
    Lately, I've been having real trouble killing things.  I actually felt really bad when I looked in the kitchen sink today and saw two pathetic little lobsters, wriggling with giant rubberbands rendering them harmless.  I watched as my dad sprayed them with hot water, and watched their claws slowly turn orange, all while the pot of water on the stove got hotter and hotter.  I remember when I was younger and we were at the beach, and they bought live crabs and had to kill them before cooking. I only found that mildly disturbing. I guess I just figured it was another of those things that grown-ups do that I just didn't understand. But today, my conscious weighed a little heavier.

    But after dipping their insides in some hot, melted butter, all was well. They were delicious, and I thank them for living long enough to feed me.

    Anyway, it was really nice to get home yesterday. I got into town much earlier than I expected, eluding traffice nicely. I pulled into town around 7pm. It's that time of day that everything looks it's best.  Trees, fields, parks, teenage girls, mountains, they all look their best in the 7 o'clock sun of summer.  It was the first time in a long time where I truly felt that there was no other place I'd rather be than home in Pennsylvania.  It's good to be home.  I got a lot to do before I leave tomorrow, though.
    After dinner, Geoff and I went bowling with two of his friends, and met Jason and his girlfriend there.  I was typing in her name in the bowling thingy, and for some reason I was deathly afraid that I forgot her name. I knew her name was Mandy, but for some reason I thought it wasn't, and in a panick I asked her if just "Woman" would suffice. She said "No!" and I sheepishly typed in the single letter "M." She didn't seem to object, so all was well.
My bowling sucked though, and I lost to a girl for the first time ever. Then again, we were on different lanes, so I guess you could say we weren't in direct competition. So I can safely say that no girl bowling in my lane has ever beaten me. Whew.
    After that, Geoff and I, along with his two friends came back to out house and played a few games of basketball. I haven't actually had to use my legs to jump in a long time, and afterwards I found it kind of a chore to climb the steps.  The general consensus when I play basketball is that I suck, but in reality, I'd say I'm no worse than the majority of the people I play with.  And I'm sorry, I took them to school. They may be more "skilled,"  but they're a bunch a chubby, outta shape guys. Geoff was on my team, and we won handily. It was closer than it shoulda been, due to my almost complete lack of defense, another trademark characteristic of my skills.  It was good excercise though. these days, any excercise is good excercise.

    I had a series of vivid, disturbing, and odd dreams last night. In the first, I ended up with some strange girl, and stuff happened, which seemed ok at the time but eventually left me feeling very remorseful, especially when Rodzilla turned up in the dream. Leave it to my mind to bring reality into my fantasies. When I told her about the dream today she said "We'll talk." What the hell does that mean? I hope she was just being dissmissive. Anyway, I didn't tell her what happened, and I spent the rest of the dream feeling very guilty. it was a long dream, too, and I kept sinking into more and more of a hole dug by a series of horrible lies.  I was thinking something along those lines yesterday, so maybe that explains it. Come to think of it, that may also explain the next dream.  It's tough to explain why though. Anyway, I guess in the next dream we were outside a bowling alley, only this alley was in a mountainous wooded area, near a cliff with a marvelous view.  In pulls a red convertable, and in the car were two people I knew from highschool, Chris Hoffman and D@rcie Hite. I actually thought I saw Chris at the bowling alley yesterday. So that explained his presence.  Anyway, Darcie was in his car, and she just kept making these faces, kinda just laughing at him. In a "whatever.." kinda way.  Like she really didn't want to be there or with him.  This continued for an unrealistic amount of time. I haven't seen either of these people in at least 3 or 4 years, so I was really just staring.  Chris looked like the same old doofus that he seemed, while Darcie seemed to be back to her 10th or 11th grade self.  Actually, I'm not sure about that, but she didn't look like she did the last time I saw her. whenever that was.  But I did find the dream not entirely unpleasant. I mean, she was really cute in highschool. Whether or not she still is, who knows. But I do have something of a passing curiousity.
    Lately, I seem to have a growing interest in people I knew from highschool. I was just talking to Geoff 10 minutes ago, and he said that while his tolerance for his close friends from highschool has dwindled, he enjoys seeing people he didn't know so well more than ever before. I too have somewhat of an interest in seeing people I wasn't exactly best friends with in highschool, but were maybe good acquaintences at best.  The other day, Mike was talking about seeing these girls Lisa and Emily that we went to highschool with. I have to admit, I was a little curious as to what they were up to. Interested, even. I guess Lisa is a teacher, but I forget where. Wherever it is, I'm sure her curriculum has a large portion devoted to the life and times of Anne Frank. I swear, since 4th grade almost every project we had to do, this girl seemed to always try to something on Anne Frank. Maybe it's just my imagination, but it would seem very odd that I'd fabricate something so bizarre.
    Emily was in the orchestra with me throughout highschool. We both kinda hated it.  I never really knew her that well. But she seemed nice enough. I guess I feel bettter about seeing people these days now that I have something of a future. I don't feel so much like a miserable failure of wasted potential anymore. Then again, even if I were, I'd never ever wanna trade my life with any of their's. That's a pretty ambiguos "their's." It's meant to be.

I spent the majority of the day today driving around. We went to lunch at the seafood place in Lancaster. It was good, but probably not worth the drive. Geoff, Galvin and I hung around and went to the outlets there. I needed some new clothes, and I also have to pick up a graduation present for Rodzilla. What to get her? I've never bought a graduation present before.  I have some ideas, but I'll save the surprise.

    So I go back to DC tomorrow, for about an hour. Then I pick up Matt and it's off to Lexington. I can't wait. There's something odd brewing with Jed, I think.  Something I didn't really expect.  Anyway, I'm there for a week, which will be nice. Well, to Saturday, anyway. I know I won't get to see Rodzilla much either. I mean, not as much as I want to. But she's graduating and it's understandable that she'd want to spend the week with her friends. I mean, I told Liz the same stuff last year. Of course, I knew we were breaking up too.  Hmmmm.... But I still have to survive at least one dinner with her extended family. I met her grandfather and grandmother a few months ago.  Her grandmother's sole comment about me was "He has such nice teeth!" That'll make my mom happy. She always likes to see the thousands of dollars she paid for my braces pay off, and reminds me of that everytime she takes a picture of me and wants to me flash a very teethy grin.

    Anyway, I'm kinda sad to be leaving so soon. Of course, since I'm taking my mom's car, I have to come back here next saturday. I haven't made th 4-hour drive from Lexington to here in a long time. but I'm still not looking forward to it. It'll be a little more tolerable in my mom's car though. It's not much more comfortable than mine, and it doesn't have my cd player, but at least it has the novelty of being a different car. And a much more powerfull engine.
 
 
 

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