March 29, 1999. Monday.
I'm suddenly overcome with an overwhelming sense of panic. It's basically
the usual no-future/no-plans/no-motiovations stuff. But sometimes
I get these little kicks of anxiety that send me into a panic. That's
happening right now. The problem with these little panic attacks is that
instead of motivating me to do something, like a regular person would,
it just sends me into a sloth-like mode of inaction.
A quick aside- I have two different desks that i sit at while at
work, depending on the week. Between these desks is a color printer
that the whole floor uses to print their documents. I don't know
why, but the damn thing never seems to work right. This is no problem for
me, since i rarely need to print anything. The annoying thing is the tendecy
of ever single person to talk to the printer. "hmmmm....that's no
good." "what's that mean?" "what's wrong with this darn thing?"
and so forth. The worst part is that they appear to be talking to
whoever is around, in a vain attempt to relate to someone sharing their
pain. But a chuckle and a forced "yeah..." is all I can muster.
It kind of bothers me. Plus, since i sit here they seem to assume
that my job is printer maintence, or that I work for the computer Help
Desk. Never mind that the Help Desk posted signs that they moved
to a different floor 4 months ago. No one seems to know even though
there's obviously NO ONE sitting in the space that the help desk used to
be. Wait. Here's one right now. He looks very confused.
He pulls out the paper tray a few times. That didn't seem to do anything.
He opens up the printer. At least he knows a few things to check.
He stands there for a little while, then walks to the side, looking behind
the printer. There goes the paper tray again. Behind the printer
again now. Now he's putting his finger in some hoe. And the
paper try again... Ahh... he's found some cluttered paper. He's got
a fairly ugly short sleeve shirt from Tommy or Chaps or something, and
a really ugly prepubescent mustache. Anyway, despite his ugly attire
at clueless non-expression, he is undoubtedly the most competant, knowledgeable
printer-person I have witnessed to date. It's unfortunate that his
dim-witted and homely looks will prevent him from siring equally capable
offspring.
Anyway, back to MY problems, I'm looking for a new job right now so that
I feel a little better when this grad school thing falls through. It's
pretty tough to find a job writing somewhere though when you're not from
the city that you want to write in and you have no real previous experience.
I wish that person
from Korea would write back about licensing music from Three Match
Breeze. Then we'd be raking in the dough. Maybe I'll just bone
up on my web skills and see where that takes me.
Speaking of things that are bothering me, Nestscape is really pissing me
off. It keeps giving me these "illegal operation" thingies and quitting
on me. I never shoulda put 4.5 on here. It's almost more trouble
than it's worth. But I still refuse to use Microsoft products if any other
alternative is available.
Not everthing is bad today though. I feel pretty good about things with
Rodzilla,
my G,FLOABT (Hoooo!!). The weekend was pretty fun, up
until I seriously pissed her off. I had an account of that posted
earlier, but i've taken it down since at Rodzilla's request. I actually
took it down before she read, cos I thought she'd be pissed off but then
i put it back. She wasn't pissed off, but she thought it was a little too
personal. I had to agree. I'm still not ready to let my online
life affect my real life. This is mainly to pass the time.
I don't really want it to complicate my life. I'd never put anything really
juicy up here because everyone that I talk about reads this at least occasionally.
I do admire those who will do that though, like Gus
used to. I was actually a little suprised to read Mimi's
account of Saturday night. I'd probably never write anything like
that. But there is a small part of me that wishes that I could. But a very
small part. I'm mostly a pretty private person, despite the fact that I
write a lot of my beliefs and activities online. Actually, i live
with a lot of glaring contradictions. Some people would call this
being a hypocrite. Rodzilla claims that I'm hypocritical at times.
She's most likely correct, but what bothers me isn't being a hypocrite,
it's not knowing that i'm being one. There's few things I hate more
than a hypocrite. Whenever I'm in a debate or argument with someone,
the first thing I try to do is discredit their argument by showing them
to be hypocritical or contradictory. But I think that a simple blanket
statement proclaiming myself a hypocrite effectively covers my ass.
I'm a big proponent of championing lofty morals and beliefs except when
the situation applies to me. But moving on...
I saw Nicole a few times this weekend. She's Berry's
former roommate from freshman year. We went to a movie on Saturday
afternoon, The Mod Squad.
Admittedly, not a very good movie. It was actually pretty slow and the
directing was pretty bad. I don't know a lot about directing, but
I think it coulda been better. A lot of shots of people taking slow
walks to hip music. Anyway, we went out to dinner and caught up a
little. It was actually good to see her. I felt like I was in a time warp
because i hadn't seen her in about 8 months. I was glad to hear her
accounts of horrible experiences with guys and being hit on in bars. It
made me really glad that I met Rodzilla in college and that we were just
really good friends for a long time before we weren't. I talked to Nicole
a lot on this point. That's why I keep telling Berry to go back to
school. "how else are you gonna find a husband?" I say. But she just
told UNC that she won't be going. Fool. Anyway, it was good to talk
to nicole. She does know me fairly well, since she knew me before I was
this version of me, and basically witnessed my transformation into the
person that I am now. A lot of my interactions with her, good and
bad, were actually good experiences. I think she did have a lot to
do with how I am now. I was really friends with her before I was
friends with James and Matt.
But we've kind of grown distant over the past few years. I guess you could
liken her to a Deist perception of a god who creates and witnesses
the creation, then flies off and doesn't really interact with what's been
created. That may be a bit of a stretch. I mean, she's no god. Anyway,
I saw her yesterday again when she stopped by my apartement to pick up
her car. That's something I kind of missed but didn't realize it.
I miss those lazy Sundays from college when some random person would just
stop by and hang out while I do my laundry or something, which is what
I was doing when she came over. I spend so many Sundays driving back
from someplace that i never get to hang out and just relax on sundays.
So I guess that was kinda nice. But I'm extremely exhausted and seem
to have something of a cold.
As I expected, this writing has helped my anxiety a little bit, but now
I'm extremely bored with it. I think i'll go get some jelly Krimpets or
something. That'd hit the spot right around now. This random
rambling is getting a little old.
previous | next
DA&R home
Archives
South Pole Home |
Greg's main page
©1999 Three Match Breeze