July 20th, 1999.  Tuesday

    Well, it's been a while again. Not that all that much's happened in the past week.    Well, some stuff, but nothing too interesting. i'm still here in Lexington, VA, doing my job as a counselor for the Washington and Lee Summer Scholars program.  It's really a cake job. And I'm even more apathetic about it this year than I usually am.  Anyway, just a quick update of the past week, if only for my own records.

    Hmmm... On friday, Rodzilla and I went up to DC to go to Six Flags America.  It was sweltering, and I almost passed out from the heat. No, really. Things actually started to go black when I was on the rides. The place was fairly ghetto.  The only real reason we were there was so that we could see Matt that night. Busch Gardens is a much better amusement park.  Anyway, that night, we were too tired to really do anything, so we just went out to diner and back to Matt's where he and his girlfriend were cooking dinner.  We watched that shitty Keanu Reeves movie, The Devil's Advocate, then the new Chris Rock special. I gotta say, it may have been the funniest goddam thing I've ever seen. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. He really has some funny observations, in a very skewed and twisted way.  anyway, it was good to see Matt.  he's been the most consistent over the past few months outta all my friends.  How odd...
 
    I was supposed to see Jed for about a half hour on Thursday night, but that never happened. Not that it was particularly shocking. but i'm still hoping that we all get together later next month at his lake house in Maryland.  One last hurrah for the boys.
 
    Well, that basically brings me to today.
 
So... I'm going to make a conscious effort to make my entries more thoughful than just outright reporting. Cos its been pretty boring writing lately, and I'm not getting a lot out of this. I usually enjoy this a lot more when I write about what I'm thinking rather than just what's happened in the last few days.

    Today is July 20th, and this job ends on July 30.  That means that Rodzilla and I have exactly ten more days together.  After that, it's pretty much up in the air.  Of course we'll see each other. But where and when is a mystery right now.  So bascially, we have ten days left without having to think about it.  It sucks, because we've never really had a "normal" relationship.  It's about ten days short of a year now, and we've never lived in the same place, and whenever we see each other, it's a planned event.  That's why I've enjoyed this month.  It's a little less planned. It's always nice to just run into someone randomly during the day.  I mean, don't get me wrong. It's great to see her whenever I get the chance. But it's nice to have a feeling of just "normal."  Who knows if we'll ever have that?  She leaves for France on September 29th at the very latest, and if by some chance we're still together when she gets back, who knows where she'll end up? Basically, it sucks. She's really been my best friend for the past year.  Well, there's 8 million people in NY. But it's not like I'm looking to replace her.  I wonder how my online writing will change once she's not reading this regularly?

    It still hasn't hit me that I've only got about 12 days left in this town. Even though I spent most of the year away from here, it's still home to me.  I mean, my house in PA will always be home, but Lexington has been my home for the past 5 years.  I haven't gone more than 6 weeks away from it in the last 4 years. I can't say that about the house in PA.  I'm really gonna miss this place, now that I don't have a reason to come back.  Golleeeee... I'm gettin all nostaligic and shit. Well, it's what I do best.  But I guess it's time to let go.  There's barely anyone left in school here that I really know. Hell, I barely knew anybody when I went to school here.  But it's really just the atmosphere and the sights and the memories. It's mostly the memories. But I'm really gonna miss pointless drives into the country and lazy summer afternoons.  Can't get that in NY.  I guess I'm really not a city kinda guy. But I knew that already.  I don't really wanna become one either. But I don't wanna feel uncomfortable or uneasy walking through NY either.

    Speaking of NY, I'm starting to get a little anxious about grad school. What if the other kids don't like me?  but really, I'm really starting to think "what the hell am I doing going to journalism school?"  What right do I have?  Well, I got in, sure, but... i dunno. It's basically the standard no-confidence-in-my-"abilities" thing.  I hope i get out of that phase soon. I talked to my Journalism professor here the other day. Actually, I only took one journalism class, I know him more because he's the radio station supervisor. Anyway, the one thing he said to me about going to journalism school, particularly writing, was "don't have any angst. If you've got any angst, eight-six it.  Fast." But i told him "But angst is all I've got!"  And he said it's a writer's worst enemy, unless you're Woody Allen or something.  But really, if you've read my writing at all, if you've even skimmed up to this sentence, it's pretty obvious that if there's one thing I do have, it's angst. and  a lot of it.  So hopefully I can make it work.  But not in a Woody Allen kinda way. I mean, I like a lot of his stuff, but c'mon, who wants to be a little neurotic nerd?  I think I'll be more of an angry yet languid kinda guy. I'll write about a lot of things that bother me, but in a ho-hum, "oh well, nothing I can do about it" kinda way.  "I'm just one man... what difference can I make?"  Well then, this is depressing me more than i had intended. so ta ta.
 
 

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