Iâm in love.  Iâve been struggling with this feeling Iâve had for some time now.  Years.  Decades, even.  But now thereâs just no denying it any longer. I donât think thereâs any other word for it.  I am hopelessly in love with the Republican Party.
     I donât necessarily mean "love" in a purely romantic way.  Though thatâs certainly part of it.  There are all sorts of types of love.  Familial, fraternal, romantic- I think I feel them all.  I know it doesnât seem to make any sense to be in love with something seemingly so sinister as the GOP, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, sometimes common sense just has to go out the window.
     I donât know how much I agree with the political agenda of the Republican Party.  But thatâs not really the point anyway.  Maybe itâs because my parents are Republicans, and as they say you always fall in love with someone whoâs like your parents.  Sure, thereâre are few things as insidious as a grinning Trent Lott, but for some reason I always root for the Republicans.  I think they have potential.  I think a vote for the Republican Party is a vote for hope, for humanity, for seeing the best in people, for praying that they will reach the potential that is inside all of us. Every human being, when confronted with a tyrant, a fascist, or a simply repugnant individual, hopes that one day, that individual will recognize the error of their ways. How happy is everyone at the end of A Christmas Carol when Scrooge embraces his humanity and his fellow man?  Or at the end of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, when the previously frightful Abominable Snow Man puts the star on top of Santaâs tree?  We want our villains to be reformed. We care about them.  We know thereâs good in them, and we pray that one day theyâll find it.  Whatâs more uplifting than that?  Socialized medicine?  Welfare programs?  Hell no.  Liberals provide no potential for growth.  Itâs like rooting for the Lakers or Yankees.  Whereâs the fun in that.  Itâs too easy.  How can they possibly be interesting? How can we love them, when all they have to offer us are their unattainable ideals?  Our social conscious tells us to root for them, but in reality we root harder for the Darth Vaders of the world to turn on their Emperor and throw that bastard down the Death Star tube in a final act of redemption.  And in todayâs world, what better villains to root for than the GOP?  Itâs like being in love with the boyfriend or girlfriend that all your friends hate.  You see one little speck of hope in them, and you latch on to that.  You see their potential, and you fall in love with that and hope one day theyâll come around.  Liberals like to call the GOP heartless, but have you ever met a more mean-spirited person than someone yelling about George W. Bush?  The Republicans will attack the politics of their opponents. They donât say so-and-soâs an idiot, that their dadâs an idiot, a redneck, etc.  Liberals go for the throat.  And I canât do that.  I just want to love.
     My friends say that in many aspects, my relationship with the Republican Party is a very abusive relationship.  I just want to keep believing the GOP, no matter how many times they lie to me or throw me down the stairs.  They say theyâre sorry, that they made a mistake, that theyâll never do it again and I just take their word for it.  I believe them.  I need to believe them, to believe that theyâre trying to change.  Sometimes I think itâs my fault.  I made them angry.  I had all that premarital sex.  I did all those drugs.  I had all those abortions.  So of course they have to make all those tough laws, just to keep me in line.  I know I shouldnât do those things.  And I know they only do it because they love me.  And, you know, the GOPâs under a lot of pressure, and I know I can be difficult to handle some times.  So can I really blame them for hitting me some of the time?
 My friends donât understand.  They try to get me away from the GOP.  Theyâre like your friends who talk about your girlfriend like "Dude, whyâre you wasting your time with her?  She sucks.  You can do so much better."  They talk up Al Gore, they "forgot" to mail my absentee ballot for W. when I specifically asked them to do it.  Theyâve tried very hard to get me out of what they feel is an abusive relationship.  But I just canât get out.  I donât want to.  They just donât understand.
     I have to admit, in a lot of ways Iâm very dissatisfied with my relationship with the GOP right now.  I donât like their friends.  Those militia people give me the creeps. I donât like extremists, and the Republican Party seems to be friends with a lot of those groups.  And donât even get me started with the lobbyists.  After theyâre done with the GOP, weâre lucky if we can get 10 minutes a day to be alone together.  I just donât understand why it canât be like it was when we first started, just the two of us, me and Conservatism.  Why do all these other people have to be around?  They donât understand our special bond.  A lot of itâs the Democratsâ fault.  Theyâve been wooing me since I can remember, and they canât accept that my heart belongs to another.  So they take my small, local government, and start adding all these people and programs and departments, just so they can always be involved in my life, just so they can always keep an eye on me and make sure things with me and Republicanism arenât getting too serious. And every time I think the GOP and I are going to the next level of our relationship, the Dems have to step in and ruin everything.  Sure, I was happy when George W. decided to be my president, but the Dems had to show up and ruin our special night, until I wasnât even sure George was still going to be my president.
 The defection of Vermont Senator James Jeffords hit me pretty hard.  I couldnât understand it.  I know he still cares about me as a person, but he obviously had no respect for the relationship we shared.  What had changed between us?  Werenât we still the same people?  I just donât know why he didnât want to be with me anymore.  And itâs not like he joined the Democrats,  At least I could understand that. Itâd be easier to take if there were someone else he wanted to be with.  But there isnât.  He just didnât want to be with me anymore.  Why doesnât he want to be with me?  Whatâs wrong with me?  He says he doesnât want to be a Republican anymore, like itâs the institution thatâs wrong.  But I know better.  And Iâll get him back.  Iâll get them all back.  They donât realize the big mistake theyâre making.  We were meant to be together, I know it.  Call me crazy, but I think our best days are still ahead of us.  I just canât believe weâre through yet.  I know, in my heart, itâll all work out, and soon itâll be back like it was in the old days.  In the 1980âs.  Weâre getting close.  Itâs already starting to feel like 1990 again.