April
7, 1999. Wednesday
Again, a rather slow day. I went to sleep pretty late last night because
I decided to make a few phonecalls. I was feeling like talking, so
i called a quite a number of people. Or actually, i thought about calling
people. But there was no one that i really wanted to talk to. I tried calling
Doug, but he wasn't around. So i called liz.
Talked to her for about 7 minutes, then I called Rodzilla.
I was feeling a little down for some reason. There really was no
reason, though. I had felt pretty damn good all day. Maybe I'm manic.
actually, what it was, was I was dicking around on the guitar last night
and this song popped into my head. I knew it was a Pumpkins song, but i
didn't know which. I hadn't really listened to them in a while. So i dug
through all my old cds and found this import EP that i hadn't seen in a
few years. It's the Tonight, Tonight EP. The song I was looking for
was called Jupiter's lament. As pretentious as their songs and titles can
be, I think they deserve a little credit too. I played the song about 3
times in a row. it's a really beautiful, simple, sad song. the whole disc
is that way. Great songs, but i guess they ended up really getting me down.
I just started thinking about the time when I was listening to that cd
quite a bit, probably back in Spring 1996. I bought it while here
in DC with James and Matt Sewel when we came
up to see Stereolab and Luna.
Actually, the songs really made me miss Jen.
I really wanted to call her, but didn't. i tought about it for a while
and played out the conversation in my head. I would've just been whining
or something. There was really no reason that i wanted to talk with
her, just that I missed her. But I think i missed the Jen from 1996.
If I could've called that jen, i would've. That isn't to say that Jen 1999
isn't a great person. But we were really close back then. We became pretty
good friends over that year. I really kind of missed that last night. I
was thinking about it, and there was almost no one else that I was in the
mood to talk to last night except her. well, there are of course
others, but she was at the top of the list. But by "she," i mean the girl
I used to know. Obviously, things are more distant these days, for various
reasons. but over the last few days, especially when I was scanning
pictures and looking through all my old photos, i really missed the days
when we hung out a lot.
Then, of course, is started missing everyting about those days. I miss
my people. I miss rockin out. I miss Jed
and Jimmy and matt and nora.
It's odd to not really know what's goign on in their lives as much as I
used to. It makes an uncomfortable distance. It really kind of sucks.
It's a big disappointment is what it is. Not exactly how i pictured things
a year ago. but what ever really works out the way you plan? Boring stuff
mostly.
Of
course, things really aren't all that bad. But i was just feeling particularly
nostalgic last night. It hasn't happened in a while. I've been doing
a pretty good job about accepting these circumstances i think. So i'll
give myself last night. Calling Rodzilla helped a lot too. As much as I
miss the old day's, the present's a pretty good place. And i like
the wide-open prospects of the future. Now if only I could find a
way to bring them all together. Maybe i'll work on that this afternoon.
I told Rodzilla that It'd take a miracle for "things" to work out how I want them next year, and she said I shouldn't waste miracles on little stupid things. Hey, I'll use my miracles any way I want to. I guess our definitions of "miracle" were a little different. She thought you should use them to do things like save people's lives. But how often does that really happen? She then asked me if i even believed in miracles. Who did she think she was talking to here? I mean, i have no drive, no ambition, no real skills, I'm contemplating quitting my job in a few months with no other prospects and just hoping that things will work out, and she's wondering if a believe in miracles? Lemme tell ya sister, they're all i've got. If there's no such thing as a miracle, I'm fucked.
Rodzilla thought the preceding segment of conversation would make a good story. it was amusing at the time, but i didn't really think i'd write it down. plus, i don't like to plan what i'm gonna write. I mean, i kinda do, but not through conversations with people.
Anyway, i still haven't fully recovered from last night. Rodzilla called me again moments after we hung up with a movie idea that she thought was really good. I shan't elaborate, as thieves are everywhere, but she thinks that it'd be pretty hilarious if she had a transcript of our conversations. Personally, if such a transcript existed, I'd go into hiding for a long, long, LONG time.
I was feeling a little weird after I hung up with her the first time. I
little bit of anxiety. When she called back I was really glad she did.
There was still lingering anxiety, but I slept pretty well last night.
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