April 30th, 1999. Friday.
 

    So I was driving to work this morning, and for some reason I just started laughing uncontrolably.  I think it was the same sort of shocked laughter that I had when I found out I got into NYU.  But this stupid song came on the radio, and it reminded me of last May or June, the end of college. I remember feeling an extreme sense of loss at the time, and so full of anxiety because of the future.  I got that feeling when I heard that song this morning, cos I heard it a lot at that time last year. I hate when songs remind me of specific points in time.  Anyway, all of a sudden, i thought, This isn't my life forever!   It will end, and when it does, it will actually get better!  It was such a startling revelation that I just started laughing. I actaully started to get teary-eyed. I haven't had a real, genuine laugh of joy in a long time, besides the NYU thing.   I haven't been that spontaneously happy in a very long time.  It's really hard to explain, and I've done a pretty shitty job trying to explain it. But I'm basically looking forward to the coming weeks.  I even kind of enjoy coming into work these days. But of course the commute from Potomac, MD will dampen my spirits. But still, can't nobody hold ME down...
    So I suppose I will be going home this weekend.  The more I think about it, the more I want to go to Lexington VA for the weekend for Alumni Weekend at school. But I suppose I should go home and settle some things. Plus I think i wanna use Jason's scanner.  It think it's pretty nice. it scanned the picture of the Meanest Thing I've Ever Done.   And I'd like to finally get a microphone for that four-track. I'm sure that I won't have much to do at my new place, so i might as well sing a little song.  At least the house is full of high-speed internet access.  And I think I'll have my own phoneline.  And my own scale. I like to know how much I weigh at all times.  I wanna know if the pound of ground beef I ate was really a pound.  Anyway, I drove a lot of shit over to my cousin's place in Potomac last night, just to see if it would be a pain in the ass getting there. It's actually a very pleasant neighborhood. It's not like I haven't been there before, it's a welcome change from Annandale. "The Hood," as Berry calls it. I wouldn't go that far, but I mean, her car was  broken into the the parking lot.  But she's always called the place the Hood.
    I will be disappointed that I'll be so far from the city though.  I can't just run over to Matt's. Not that I really did that all that much. But it's always nice to have that option. Of course, if i really feel the need to all of a sudden embrace matt, his palce is only 4 miles from work.  But still, it was nice to just be able to drive into DC when I felt like it.  But given the circumstances, it's probably for the best.  I'll save a lot of money this way. And there's oh so many things that I want to buy. Of course, if one thing has become blatantly obvious over the past few days, it's that I've got way to much shit.  Nothing big, but all sorts of little trinkets and gadgets and stupid books and pictures. I need to minimize. So maybe I'll just stick to buying only big stuff. when I was looking at my room and trying to figure out what I had to move, I imagined myself wit  Predator-like vision, where I saw things by heat. I then saw what I "really" had to move. All the stuff hidden throughout the room. the bed, dress, TV and desk are the really big things and are gonna be the biggest pain in the ass, but all the little pieces of paper that I kept for no reason and the various pictures and books and other shit that I shouldn't have even brought with me are just a big fucking nuisance.  By shockingly, I've actually taken care of almost all of that already. I'm really on the ball this time I think, as opposed to the last few times I've moved. Boy, was my mom steamed. When she came to get me after Freshman year, all I had packed was my clothes. A sizeable amount of stuff, but since I kept the clothes in my dresser, it looked like I hadn't packed a thing.  I still get lots of shit for that.
 
    By the way, i've been trying to call Jed, but for the last few days, his phone has apparently been disconnected. That kind of worries me. So If anyone sees jed, tell that little bastard to give me a call. Actually, that's not a good idea. email me or something.
 

    You know what I'm gonna miss most about Berry's HGA (Happy Girly Apartment)?  The water pressure. Lemme just tell you, that shower has the best water pressure I've ever seen in my life.  It's wonderful. No matter how you feel going in, it's almost impossible not to feel better when you come out.  It's fantastic.  I'm really going to miss it.  I had a sad moment in the shower this morning, when i realized that it was out final time together. It was really sad  (by "it," i mean the moment, not the shower).
    I was looking at my past entries, and i just seem to be writing more and more as the weeks progress.  In February, I had very little to write. But now, I go on and on and on. Not surprisingly, I think my writing has taken a turn for the worse.  I think I have a certain number of writing "quality points," where no matter how much I write, the cumulative quality is the same.  So when i write for too long, the whole thing just gets watered down.  Oh well, how bout a poem?

it's hard to write a good poem
when you don't even have a topic
I'd like to be napping at home.
I've a headache cos my vision's myopic.

I'm sitting around killing time
with no other real concrete purpose,
A simple scheme of forced rhyme
is  how I normally prefer to do this

This bores me,  as if you didn't know it.
I'll end this, as I'm sure you've been hopin'
Maybe I'll go get a donut,
Or learn to sleep with my eyes, wide open
 
 

Sorry about that

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