Daily Aggravations and Regrets
  and some final thoughts

April 29, 1999
 

    For some reason, I think it's James' birthday today. I hope i didn't miss it.  So if it is, I'm sure you'll join me in a hearty "Happy Birthday" to my boy Jimmy.  And if it's not, well, this is just in case I forget later.  I know it's in April, I always forget when.  I remember every person's birthday I've ever met, that is if they've told me at least twice, but i can never remeber his.  anyway, he's 23 now (or soon will be).   Where do the years go?

    So anyway, things are looking bright. And by "bright," I of course mean "things are being illuminated by the clear sunny day."  Plus, I'm a little more content with my situation. I talked to Matt and Rick yesterday, and they both agreed to help me move. That's one of the first sure signs of true adulthood: When your friends ask you to help them move.   Although at this point I don't know if i'll have to inconvenience both of them, since Rick can probably come before Matt. And I wanna be outta there as swiftly as possible.  But there's all sortsa logistical problems, as far as who i need to drive to Maryland with me, where i'm gonna pick up the truck, where I'm gonna leave my car, etc.  But i'll suck it up for now.  Like I've always said, I'll inconvenience myself to no end to spite someone.  Although it isn't really necessary. But the plan is already in motion, so let's just go with it. But enough about that. I'm through worrying about this shit.

    Although the near future is fraught with uncertainty, at least it will make the weeks go faster. This week is just zipping by, due to the chaotic nature of it all. Before you know it, Nora will be here.  Rick even said we could stay there at his place in Alexandria, which is even closer to work than Berry's apartment. By the way,  BERRY's apartment shall now and forever be known as Berry's HGA  (Happy Girly Apartment), in reference to her email to me yesterday. Ok, I know I said I wouldn't talk about it again, but there's a few things a gotta say.  First off,   here's the email I sent her.

yo berry. I tried calling you, but coldn't get a  hold of you.  Basically, I'm having all sorts of problems with this
moving-by-the-15th thing.  lots of problems. I know i was ok about it  when you told me on Sunday, but certain ugly  realities have snapped me  into the reality of it all. I'd rather talk to you  about it in person,  but I just wanted to let you know that I'm a little disturbed by the  whole situation.  If there's any possible way around  it, anything would  help. Well, either call me at work or I'll see you  at home, but I really need to talk to you about this soon. ok then.
 later,
> greg
Very diplomatic, I thought.  Like I said, i kinda wanted to be a man about it and discuss it in person. Over email seemed like wimping out to me. So...

here's some excerpts from the letter. Berry's comments are in red
"additionally, you were the one who refused to sign on to the lease because you did not want to be tied down to anything. well, now that gives me the right to tell you when you need to leave. i am ready to start everything over and have a happy, girly apartment with my sister where i will feel comfortable to have my family and friends come and stay with me and that is going to happen on may 15th."
Mimi had something a little more biting to say, but I'll leave it at "um... ok." Also, i didn't know that i had to sign a lease on our friendship.


Now, something I missed the first time around. Let's compare:

"...but i cannot hide the fact that i have some anger at you for never ever cleaning anything and just always allowing me to clean up right after you like your mommy does."
and:
"also, my mother (not to be confused with "mommy") is sacrificing 10 or more days of work to come up here and make my empty apartment a home, which it has not been since i moved up here."
First off, my "allowing" her to clean up right after me is exactly what it sounds like. I'd cook something, then she would, then she'd often tell me to clean up my dishes. I mean, i like to eat, then sit there for a while. So she'd just do all the dishes. Oh well.  Of course she hasn't said anything in a while, but like i've said I suspect she was just stockpiling offenses to use against me when she knew she was going to throw me out.
Secondly, while it's true that I do indeed count on my parents for a number of things, I haven't counted on them to make my room all nice and comfy and cozy since i was about 5.  Maybe 4. Sure, my mom would do the dishes after a meal after the kids cleared the table. But she wouldn't come to my apartment to make sure my throwrugs and towels matched, or too tell me my coffee table was too ugly to use.  My point is, she's apparently been unable to function without the interior decorating "expertise" of her mother. She obviously doesn't feel like her HGA is "home."  I mean, the expression isn't "A place is what your mom makes it."


because she ( her mommy) is going to do all of that for me, i am going to have that apartment spotless and completely cleared out when she comes.
And by "i am going to have that apartment spotless and completely cleared out," she of course means "YOU will have that apartment spotless and completely cleared out, since everthing from the furniture to the flatware is YOURS and although i lived hear for a year i never bought so much as my own salad bowl since you were good enough to bring all sorts of shit since you were living in MY place but now i can afford it so thanks but no thanks and don't let the door slam you on the way out."

greg, i am working my ass off 12 hours a day. i do not have time for this shit at all.
Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have time to WATCH ME move out?

after hearing all of this and knowing how i really feel, i cannot imagine that you would want to impose anymore or hurt our relationship even more. please be out by the 15th. i will be happy to discuss this further tonite although i will probably not get home from work until late and i really do not see what else there is to discuss.
Read that again. I'll wait... Ok, now that's CLASSIC Berry.  "I will be very happy to discuss it later. Of course, i won't be home till late (meaning i will be tired and going right to bed) and I really don't see what else there is to discuss (meaning of course we will not in fact discuss anything at all)." For the record, she got home earlier than usual last night.  I of course was in my room.

In sum, an extremely disappointing exchange. When I think about all the times people have shit on her and how much I defended her, I feel like a fucking chump. "no, she's not really selfish,"  "No, she really will call you back."  Anyway, this is hopefully the last i will have to think about this. I sat in my room last night, and finished Kafka's Metamorphosis, which i had been trudging through for the last few weeks. And it's only 52 pages long. But once I beared down, it was a really easy read, and it made the evening go really fast.  As expected, it made little sense to me. I mean, of course there's all sortsa heavy symbolism there, but as to what it is, you got me.  There were things about it that caught my attention though. Not to overdramaticize this, but the irony of reading about a man transformed into a bug and alienated from his family and locked in his room wasn't lost on me.  Of course, i didn't turn into a bug, but I did feel kinda trapped. I mean, I didn't wanna bother her in HER apartment.  By the way, i didn't respond to her email, since she didn't "see what else there is to discuss." I haven't spoken to her since actually. But i thought i'd just get some thoughts out of my system.
 
    Anyway, this rant has gone on way to long. The point is, Nora will be here in a few weeks, and by the time she's gone and that week's over, the month will be half over. Then I think i'm going to lexington for some function with Rodzilla, so there's another weekend planned. After that, I'm going back over Memorial day for Washington and Lee's graduation, then after that I think I may go move in with Matt for two weeks in Dupont Circle, or as Rick calls it, "the Fruit Loop."  Nicole also mentioned something to the effect of it being a gay hotspot. Nothing wrong with that, but i just didn't know. it was a little surprising. It's not like i'd stop hanging out there or anything. I'm never afraid someone's gonna hit on me or anything. Actually, i'd be rather flattered. As matt says "Gay men are very selective."  Anyway, living with him would be cool since it's in the city and pretty close to work.  So i hope that'll work out.That is, if that's ok with you, matt. So basically, all these little events just make the time more exciting. Of course I'll be singing a different tune when I'm sitting on I-270 for 2 hours on my commute to work, but just let me delude myself for now.  But I'm really excited for Nora to hurry up and get hear. It's been almost a year since I've seen her, you know.  And I'm also kinda pleased that Matt and Rick came through for me, or said they would.  Despite the many punches in the neck he's given me, there's no doubting that if there's one thing Rick is, it's a stand-up, decent guy.
    So before you know it, I'll be back in Lexington, hopefully prepping for my first ever bona-fide summer romance. What makes it even more of a summer romance is that Rodzilla is leaving for France shortly after.  But I suppose grad school will keep me busy enough. I'm really looking forward to the next year of my life.  It's kinda that exciting time that I thought would happen around graduation time last year but never did.  But the thought of being in New York and going to NYU and maybe hanging out with James and hopefully Jed, it really excites me.  I really miss hanging out with guys. It happens so seldomly these days.  Plus, i miss rockin out.  Hopefully things can be at least be a semblance to what they were last year, when I was happy in school and happy hanging out with my boys. Basically, I gotta find enough to do to make sure I'm not wallowing and missing Rodzilla.  I mean, of course i'll miss her, but hopefully only a healthy amount. Or at least only as much as she misses me.
I finally feel like I'm shedding all but what's truly important to me, and moving on with my life.  I'm really (cautiously) optimisitc about things for the first time in a long while. Let's hope I don't fuck it up.
 

Oh, I almost forgot, here's "the meanest thing I've ever done," as described in my April 21 entry.
 


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