April 28, 1999. Wednesday

 
    It's 11:30 and I'm just now starting to write.  And I have to set up a videoconference in ten minutes.  Ok. I just took care of that.  It almost seems like a form of time travel that I just wrote that I had to do something in ten minutes, took care of it, and now I'm back writing again seemingly uninterupted.  How odd...
    Anyway, not a whole lot happening on this end.  I suppose i'll go home this weekend. Ironic that I'm at Washington and Lee almost every weekend except this one, which is Alumni Weekend. A  supposedly pretty big deal, what with it being the school's 250th anniversary.  That's a bicenquinquagenary to you and me.  I was planning on going down, but with my apartment problems and Rodzilla having some of her own, I suppose it's best to just sit this one out. I'd like to hang out with Jed though. I'd definitely go if I didn't have to lug all sorts of shit back home.  But i am looking forward to some quality time with my drum set and four track.  I've been writing a lot more music than I ever have over the past two weeks.  Just no words though. those are a lot harder for me. well, it's really not that tough, but i'm always so self conscious of sounding like an idiot or cheeseball or both that I end up just defeating myself before i even start. You know, my acting teacher in college berated me once for all these things that i did, saying that I was trying to not act while I was acting.  I suppose that's true. I mean, the guy was a sunuvabitch, but I guess he knew what he was talking about. despite the fact that he once cut me with a machete. But i guess I do the same thing when I'm trying to write. I try to be too clever for my own good. I've discovered that the best time to do something is when you're not planning on doing it.  Back when i worked at that school, I kept this black sketch book in my bag, and during lunch or on the Metro I'd just write little snippets of stuff. Silly little poems and observations and whatnot. I was looking through it the other day -i hadn't written in it in months- and I gotta say I was mildly impressed with some of the stuff I'd written.  I was less impressed by my childish drawings though. But that's another part of the brain I think, so it didn't concern me.  Anyway, I just have to mix and match the words with the tunes I've recorded.

Time travel again. It's now 3:00pm.  I just an email from Berry, unceremoniously showing me the door. So it looks like I'm outta HER apartment much sooner than I thought. It was one of the meaner letters I've ever recieved. But the more I think about it, the more riled up I get. I had an argument with Rodzilla about it too.  I feel kinda bad about that. But i don't think i was completely wrong. But I do regret some of how I behaved.  anyway, I don't really feel like doing this today.  It just bugs me that people expect me to be happy and just deal with the situation. I should be happy that I got into NYU, and I am. I'm so so so very glad.  But it kinda sucks when the the future looked bleak and the present was ok is suddenly turned opposite. Now the future looks better than ever, but the present has become the worst it's ever been.  And i feel a little disappointed in my supposed friend of almost 5 years for showing absolutely zero loyalty. I understand she has many problems with the way I live. But I sure wish I woulda heard about it more recently. Sure, she mentioned it all the time, but lately, she hasn't said a thing. I suspect she was just loading up on ammunition to use against me, since she's probably known that she was kicking me out for a long time. I don't mind leaving, but when I get treated like less than a stranger by someone who i've done a lot of favors for, it hurts. Sure, they were small favors, and i didn't do them because i wanted anything in return, but because I thought we were good enough friends. But she really is the most selfish person I'll probably ever meet.  Or maybe we were just never friends. All I know is, if this is how she treats people, and I've known her long enough to know that it is, then she's got a lonely life in front of her. No one's gonna ever hang around long enough to get seriously involved with her.  There's only so many unreturned phonecalls or phony excuses that a person can be expected to accept. Simply shrugging it off as "that's how I am," isn't going to work forever.  As much as you can call me a lazy piece of shit, you can't say that I don't help out my friends when I can.  Rodzilla's the same way.  That's something i really look for in a person.  That's one thing I really liked about my ex-girlfriend liz, and probably how we were most alike.  She'll help someone out just because she can. She's just a really  nice person, and it always pissed me off when people would treat her like shit for it. She would never kick me out...  anyway... point it, say what you will, I would never treat my friend as some bum taking up space in my apartment. I wouldn't even treat a stranger like that.  there is such a thing like common courtesy.  I mean, she knew this was coming, and she gives me less than three weeks to get all my shit outta there that I accumulated over many weeks and many trips home.  I think if I were renting a room at the YMCA, i'd get more notice.  On monday, a postcard came from her grandmother saying how much she couldn't wait to get there, and had all her flight information. I'm sure she didn't send it same-day mail. So she knew long ago that she wanted me to move out early, and let me have many conversations with her about my plans and when i was going and whatever, all the while knowing that it all didn't matter because she was gonna tell me how it is. Thanks.  Thanks for nothing.
 

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