April
14, 1999. Wednesday
A rather busy day here at work. I hate standing in a big room full of people and having my ignorance exposed. Especially military type people, who expect things to work out ok. I'm pretty hungry too. I'm basically killing time until my lunch gets here. But on the bright side, it's made the day pass pretty quickly. It's more than half over now. Anyway, it's pretty much the same old story. I'm not getting enough sleep or excerise, so I'm really tired, and I probably eat too much. And did i mention that i'm pretty tired? I think I spend too much time on the web too. I have this weird problem where I can't do something that I want to if I'm in the best conditions to do that. I wanna write something, but I have a lot of problems coming up with something in front of a computer. It's a lot easier to come up with ideas if I'm just staring into space or something, or doing anything else besides trying to write. I wish I figured that out while I was still in school. I have the same problem with music. I can never really come up with anything if I'm sitting in front of a piano or if i'm playing the guitar. I come up with a lot better shit when I'm walking back to my car after work than if I'm trying to actually some up with something while I have the guitar in my hands. I've even called my house and left a message on the answering machine of tunes so I wouldn't forget them, cos I knew i wold once i started playing. That's really aggravating. I just sit there like a dummy. I can come up with simple little melodies, but the stuff I'm really pleased with is the stuff I come up with when I'm not doing anything musical at all. It's like there's too much pressure or something. i don't know. Maybe I'm just not a very creative person. I mean, mimicking is how i've learned all my instruments. Even when i took lessons, i never really learned that much composition, but played other people's songs. Oh well. There's still time i guess. But I'm not getting any younger.
Well, after a filling lunch of cheesesteak and onion rings, my head i kinda throbbing. My left eye is definitely in pain. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my new contacts. I don't think so, because i had a headache when I went in to get my new contacts. So that's good news. Of course, that means that my headaches are being caused by something else. a vodoo curse, perhaps. Let's hope not.
I was very bored last
night. I watched tv, and wanted to call Rodzilla,
but i'd already spoken to her at length earlier in the day. But she called
later in the evening for a bit, which was nice. I also spoke with
James
for a very long time. Actually, i talked to him for while, then he
wanted to talk to Berry before she went to
sleep. So I sat there playing the guitar not listening to the phone.
I could hear Berry though. She's really loud
on the phone. Or maybe James is really soft. But I was having a lot
of fun listening to Berry and playing the guitar over her voice.
It was the coolest when she wasn't speaking, but laughing or making
weird noises. I wasn't really listening, which made it better, cos the
noises over the phone with the guitar was oretty nifty. I had the phone
on mute so as not to interrupt their conversation, but i thought i'd just
use their talk as entertainment for me.
We chatted for a while
about what our plans for the future looked like. I really have no
plan after August. james has a few things going on in NY. He's
living with his parents in Long Island. Berry thinks that's kinda funny,
but i guess I don't see anything wrong with it. i mean, if i were living
with my parents in Wyomissing, PA, that'd be a little sad. But if you have
a free place to stay that's a 30 minute train ride outta NYC, then i think
that's a pretty sweet deal. Maybe I'll move in with James and his
family. And at least he has the music thing going. I really
miss rockin out.
Basically, I'm waiting
for Jed to graduate so we can move to NY or
something. I'm just basically hanging out and waiting in DC. He's
pretty vehement in not wanting to live in NY though, which i can understand,
since it's so expensive. But i'd really like to live there with him
and James. James went on to say that i'm a bit too reliant on other people
at times. This is true. I do plan my life around others a lot of
the time. But I really don't see anything wrong with that. I have no plans,
no direction, and no real commitments or attachments to a particular area.
And honestly, I think I know that I can survive and enjoy life to an extent
on my onw. But really, what's the point? I mean, if hanging out with
my friends is what makes me happy, why the hell wouldn't I wann try to
arrange things to make that happen? I mean, sure, I should be making
plans on my own to find a job and a way to live, but i think i can do that
after I find a place to live. And I'd really like to explore some
creative venture, and Jed and James are both very creative people as well,
so that's also a major reason. Hopefully my savings will last at
least 2 months in NY. At least 6 weeks, one would hope. That should
be enough to get a job doing something. And of course, i miss
playing music with the Fellas. my boys. that was some of the
most fun i've had, and it's been too long since we've done that.
we'll see.
Anyway, a prospective
plan right now is to move to Brooklyn. For me, it's the plan.
if we can find a place where the personal rent per person is less than
a grand a month, i think we'll be ok. I just hope Jed comes along. And
it'd be nice to have Nora along as well, as long as I'm casting my future
with my friends. She's somewhat motivated, at least moreso than me.
That's what i really need. Someone to kick me in the butt
and tell me to get going already. Of course, she'll be on the Continent
until September. But I probably won't move till then anyway.
I'd be pretty happy if it all worked out though. Still, i can't really
count on it. But at least planning is taking a step in the right
direction, meaning that there's at least one plan now.
At least I don't have
to worry where Rodzilla will be. It's pretty much set in stone, like
it or not. That really shouldn't factor into the plans at all, unless
she doesn't make it to France next year. I still say "next year"
like I'm in school, as in an academic year. Of course, that means September.
Anyway, One way or another, she'll be gone for at least 10 months.
Even if she doesn't get that scholarship, she'll still find a way over.
and honestly, i want her to go. Because if she doesn't go, she'll
spend the next year trying to get there, and i'll just feel like some sort
of consolation prize.. I just want her to go already, just so she'll
get back sooner. Of course, there's the possibility that she'll just
decide to stay there. But let's hope not. She's gonna go eventually,
so I hope she gets to go now when she really wants to. I suppose it is
the best time of her life to go. Of course i say this now.
Ask me in 5 months when I'm rolled up in a ball on the floor in my apartment
in DC what i think, and I think i'll give a different answer.
I feel a little melancholy now. I'm not
sure why. but i'm pretty sure it has something to do with something i wrote.
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