I hadn't really take note on a totally conscious level, but over the past few months, possibly years, I've had a constant fear of random and/or violent death. Not just mine, but of family and friends. "Fear" might not be the best word. More like a mild but definite dread. Maybe it's from living in New York and a vague, casual-yet-present fear of some sort of terrorism. But I'm also wary of chaos and suffering some random spikes of violence from an unpredictable world. I can't find jokes or satire dealing with death funny anymore. Every time I make plans to do something, or change my plans to go somewhere, I wonder, "Is this that fateful decision? Will the course of events now intersect with some act that will be my undoing?" It's not so bad that I'm paralyzed into inaction, but I think it all the time. I don't think moving anywhere else would do anything to allay these mild but constant anxieties. The funny thing is, when somewhat perilous things actually happen, I don't really feel like I was in any real danger. The other day, I was riding my bike from Park Slope back to Fort Greene, and as I was crossing Flatbush Avenue, a bus driver decided to get a headstart on the changing traffic light, and nearly ran into me. But I didn't think much about it. But I spend a lot of time worrying that I'll fall down in the shower and break my neck or suffer some other stupid but serious accident.
Anyway, I'm kind of switching between this vague sense of dread and a general feeling of apathy and malaise. Sometimes these overlap. However, despite said feelings of apathy and malaise, I'm actually being the most productive I think I've ever been, in terms of actual man-hours spent doing money-making work. I'm basically working about four different jobs. I've got the full-time day job, the tv-watching night job, and I'm doing work for Garrick and Garrick's company. I'd like to say that it's nice to have the extra money, but "extra" in this case doesn't mean "surplus" as much as "supplemental." Right now, my "dream" job is one which enables me to have only one job. Gosh, that'd be swell.
One new thing that is making me particularly happy and could also contribute to a more productive, efficient use of my time is my new digital TV recorder. I guess it doesn't make me that much more productive as much as it makes my procrastination more efficient. By recording shows I want to watch and then watching them later, I can fast-forward through all the commercials, thereby cutting down my time-wasting from an hour to about 44 minutes. I guess this same thing could've been done with a VCR and tapes, but that seemed so lo-tech and even a bit too counterculture. Not sure how, but it seems like the kind of thing a hippy sorts would do to watch television programs while not subjugating themselves to corporate America's propaganda. With the digital recorder though, it's just me making use of the next step in entertainment technology. Plus, now I can record all the afternoon cartoons I never get to watch anymore. Believe it or not, back when I was unemployed, a semi-major deterrent to wanting a job was the sad realization that I wouldn't be able to watch Doug on Nickelodeon at 2 in the afternoon.
Last night, as I was sitting there at 2 in the morning, watching the extended version of the first Lord of the Rings movie, Miss Charming Melodee voiced concern that she was afraid that the new TV and digital recorder had replaced her on the list of my affections. I think her concern was only half-kidding.
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