July 21st, 2002. Sunday
 
 

    Last night in my dreams, my subconscious took me on a tour of various things I don't like about myself.  It was a little survey where I engaged in activities that I do poorly, but really wish I did a lot better.  It started off with me playing tennis, poorly.  Then I was playing violin in a large orchestra.  I sort of faded into the scene in the dream.  This section of the dream began mid-song, and it took me a while to realize I was actually in the orchestra.  The orchestra sounded great, and for a while I couldn't believe how good we all sounded.  Then I concentrated really hard on just hearing what I was playing.  And then I saw that I was only playing one note, over and over, and it sounded just terrible.  I wondered how I could sound that terrible.  Just awful.  No grace at all.
    Then the dream cut to another scene. I was with my mom, who was visiting me in college or something.  We were on our way to my Chinese class.  I realized, as we were nearing the classroom, that I hadn't done my translation homework, and that the professor would be calling on me to read my homework.  This was a real axiety from college.  For some reason my mom was coming to class with me, and that seemed normal.  So I asked one of my friends to copy their homework.  I was very ashamed.  As I walked in, I noticed, sitting at a desk with her back to the wall, I girl that was in the writing class I just took at the New School.  She was also scribbling down her homework frantically.  So that made me feel better. I think, in my dream, she served the same purpose as she did in my writing class.  Which was to make me feel better by being so bad.  Anyway, I ended up trying to do the homework myself, but didn't get more than two words translated. For some reason, I couldn't find the words in the glossary I was using, and it became terribly frustrating.  It was awful. Then I woke up.
    As usual, I didn't remember the dreams until I was in the shower a few hours later.  And it took me some while after that to figure out how all the segments of dreams were connected.  I'm trying to figure out what happened in the past few days to elicit this little dream tour of my inadequacies.  Of course, it's more likely that this dream was caused by the few years.

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