April 20th, 2002. Saturday
 

    So the vivid dream I had last night:  I walked into a what I guess was a familiar kitchen for my dream self, carrying a Ziploc bag containing three goldfish. They were really beautiful fish, more of a mix of gold fish and angel fish, or some other tropical fish.  they had narrow heads and bodies, but long, ornate tails.   So I notice that the ziploc bag is sort of open, so I go to try to close it. Someone, maybe Matt, warns me that the fish might try to jump out.  This has happened to me before. When I was little, we lost several gold fish mysteriously over the course of a few days. Days later, as we were vacuuming behind all the furniture, we found a dead, dusty goldfish.  Then more started jumping out. Very odd. Anyway, so in the dream I'm trying my darndest to get this bag closed, but everytime I think I have it closed, it slips back open. So then one fish jumps out, slides a few feet on the kitchen floor, and stops just underneath the refrigerator, covering itself in dust and crumbs.  So this naturally upsets me.  So I keep trying to close the bag, to save the two fish I have left.  Finally, it's closed, and I set it down on the counter.  I think I'm by myself at this point.  So then I look over at the bag, and see a small opening. I rush over, but another fish darts out before I can get there.  It lands in the middle of the kitchen floor.  If I hurried, I was sure I could just scoop it back into the bag and no harm would be done. But for some reason I really didn't want to touch the fish.  It looked all slimy and gross. So i let it sit there, suffocating on the floor. Then for some reason I got the Britta and started pouring some water on it, to try to keep it alive a while longer.  Then I put the bag next to it, hoping the force of the water would push it back into the bag.  But no go. Then I spent the rest of the time trying to seal the ziploc bag.  Then I woke up.

Analysis:
    Well, it's possible that the dream was just a result of a report I overheard on the news yesterday that had something to do with fish jumping out of their tanks or something.  But at most, that probably just provided the metaphor.
    I do tend to  have frustrating dreams where I'm trying to perform routine tasks that for some reason I cannot accomplish.  And in this case, I think the fish are rather important. Particularly their unique beauty.  So what happened was, I had three very beautiful things, but I couldn't keep a hold of them.  or maybe it even had something to do with protecting them from themselves. I told Jed about the dream, and that was his unsolicited opinion as well.  Anyway, even after they jumped out, I still had the chance to save them. But for some reason, I wasn't willing or wasn't able to do what was necessary to save them.  Especially since I still had one left.  Though I suspect that if I hadn't woken up, I would've lost the third fish as well, and still wouldn't have tried to save it.  Anyway, my quick analysis leads me to believe that the dream was a rather transparent message from my subconscious about what's important to me and the drastic difference between what I have been doing to keep whatever "it" is, and what I'm actually capable of doing, without even really exerting myself all that much.  It's just a matter of will. I mean, if I can see it that easily I must be thinking it already.  And I am. Like, all the time.  Though I have a lot less of an idea of what's most important to me right now than I used to.

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