October 16th, 2001.  Monday

 
    From Jen in DC today:

    by the way, i think if there is ever award for the longest most detailed journal entry of all time, you will win.

    I'm tempted to just leave it as that, but as they say, become what you are.

    So.  I've been downloading a lot of music lately, trying to experience some sort of emotion.  I've been astoundingly neutral, or even stable, one might call it, lately.  At first it was intriguing and fascinating, in an observational kind of way, having never reached or sustained this low level of anxiety before.  Then I was waiting around for the proverbial other shoe to drop.  When that didn't happen, I became somewhat disconcerted, as if I'd forgotten something I should be worrying about.  Then, after a few weeks, I started to enjoy this sensation of no sensation, spending my days walking around aimlessly, reading coffee, drinking coffee, alcohol, and other non-diuretics.  The only thing I was really starting to get worried about was the frequency with which I have to urinate.  Caryn thought I might have some sort of bladder infection, and now every time I need to pee I worry about that.  I guess I should get it checked out.  Anyway, now I'm noticing that I'm not really feeling anything.  That's probably a gross exaggeration.  But compared to the normal amount of ups and downs, I'm just flat-lining.  It's somewhat reminiscent of how Matt used to describe Berry.  I just go through each day, doing the things I set out to do, gleaming a small sense of satisfaction from accomplishing my goals, but not feeling particularly happy or sad about anything.  I guess this is a good thing.  I think what happened last month, the terrorist attacks and all, put all things on hold. And now that things are getting somewhat back to normal, I've sort of just forgotten about whatever was upsetting me.  Of course, i still remember, but i've forgotten about them emotionally.  Sure, things still get to me. I'm not a robot.  But all emotional responses are on a much lower scale.  I'm not even that bored.  And this job I start on Monday is going to be incredibly boring, but that doesn't seem to be getting to me either. I just want some stability and a steady income.  And I'll keep my night job, which doesn't seem to bother me that much either.

    Of course, I'm contemplating erasing this whole thing and going to bed, because i keep thinking that by writing this, I'll very soon be reading this in a most ironic way.  I've always believed that nothing makes bad things happen more than talking about the fact that bad things aren't happening.  Not a unique thought, surely.
    It interests me that Jen said my writing was so detailed, because whenever I write like this I imagine that it must be so hard to read precisely because of the lack of details. Unless of course you know me.  Which she does.  So this was probably an unnecessary aside.

    So I'm listening to the new Stereolab album.  I also downloaded some songs by the Strokes, just to see what the big fucking deal is.  I'm already predisposed to dislike them, as I would have to be about any band that's been hyped this much.  And I found a few Ryan Adams songs. They didn't sound like I thought they would.  The Stereolab is predictably pleasant, and makes excellent background music, as most all of their music does.

    Now I really get the feeling like I've forgotten about a lot of anxiety-inducing things.  I'm kind of lonely, but that's to be expected and is nothing new.  Maybe I'm subconsciously worrying about the fact that I don't seem to be particularly interested in anything.  I'm not passionate about anything. There's nothing that I'd drop everything else for at this point.  And there should be.  I think.  No, no. there should be.  I should be up at 2:17 in the morning giving my attention to something other than this.

 

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