May 16th, 2001.  Wednesday
 

 

    I got a little head of steam going this week.  Got some job things going, and some personal issue things going.  Feeling better. Optimistic, almost.  Though I still have my normal amount of anxiety.  I need centering right now.  Anchoring, more accurately.  I'm floating around, checking out the scene, but I can't decide where to stop and drop anchor.  That's been a persistent problem for me.  But as each day passes, it becomes a larger problem.  I'm just trying to make sure that everyday I do at least one or two things that is specifically about the future.  Meaning, something productive, so I don't sit around and feel bad about wasting the day.  Just make an effort to do things that will help me in some way in the future, and give me a little piece of mind in the present.  Just trying to build a semblance of a normal, independent life.  I've been doing more writing.  Not sure what the future holds as far as that goes, but I need the practice.  I always stop myself before I start, because I always hate what I come up with, and I don't want to waste the few things that i do like on shitty efforts.  So I never get anything done.  So basically I just have to write lots and lots of bad stories.  And I'm well on my way as far as that goes. I've written a few stinkers in the last few days.  But it's a start.  And I'm just trying to be in the mindset now that it doesn't matter where you start, it's the starting that's important.  After that, a little persistence would be nice.  And I've been really forcing myself.  I've been up till 4 the last few nights getting the shit done.  The only time i really have the time to myself with no distractions.  I've also been reading a lot more.  I picked up one of those free zines the other day in Cafe Pick Me Up in the East Village.  It was a literary zine called Literal Latte.  I thought it looked sort of dumb, and for the most part it was, except for one story, which had one first place in the zine's fiction contest or whatever.  It was called "The Ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald."  I thought it was pretty stupid and pretentious for the first 10 paragraphs or so.  but then it really picked up.  Plus, I'm a big fan of Fitzgerald.  It was about this guy who's in love with this girl who's in love with F. Scott Fitzgerald, and he constantly questions whether she could ever love him as more than she loves "Scotti" as she calls him.  It really worked for me.  it was well written and clever and sort of touching.  Plus, I'd read most of the books and short stories referenced in the piece, which is a rare occurence for me.  So that made the story thoroughly enjoyable.  Anyway, the rest of the zine was pretty stupid.  But I kept it and made some notes and whatnot.  Trying to learn.

    Bought a few new cds.  The new Weezer album.  About what you'd expect. I'd been waiting so long for this album it couldn't have possibly lived up to my expectations. It's only 28 minutes long.  But a fine album. The world is so starved for a good rock album right now, and this is the best one available now. So hopefully it'll do well.  The other cd I bought today was the new Will Oldham (under the Bonnie Prince Billie moniker) cd, Ease On Down the Road.  it's tought to judge cds that you're predisposed to liking.  But so far, it's pretty good.  It's his most upbeat disc yet.  Uncharacteristically so.  Like he's finally hitting his stride.  It's a wonderful album for warm spring sunsets.  Makes me glad to be in New York actually. If I were in Virginia or some other picturesque location, it'd almost be too much.  It just reminds me of the country, without making me necessarily wanting to be there.  Makes me happy where I am, thinking about other places where I was happy.  So very relaxing.  I knew it'd be, and that's why I bought it.  It just puts me at ease.  And now I will go to bed.

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