So again, here I am, at home in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania.  House sitting until Wednesday.  It's April Fool's day.  No one's pulled a fast one on me yet.  And unless my dog Duke suddenly develops a keen sense of humor, I'd say I'm in pretty good shape to not be the April Fool for the first time in recent memory.

    Anyway, my parents are in or are on their way to Taiwain, where they're meeting my brother Galvin, who's in Japan.  I'll tell you, I haven't spoken to Galvin since he left, I think, and the most profound difference I feel about his absence is when I come home.  For the past six or seven years, every time I came back home I could always count on there being a good stack of comic books that Galvin had bought that i hadn't yet read.  I'd come in, throw my bags down, and waltz into his room to see what's doing.  But now, nothing.  It's sort of sad.  I think I might have spoken with him over Christmas, but it seems like more of a dream.  I'm fairly certain it was a dream.
    I can't recall the last time I was all alone in this house for as long as one night.  It's been years, I'm sure.  of course, the dog's here as well.  So I'm just adjusting to having the place to myself.  I'd like to do a lot with the few days I'm here, but I think this first night will be spent relaxing and eating and doing nothing too cerebral.  I've got a lot of reading and writing and composing I want to do, but that can wait till tomorrow. I'd like to reacquaint myself with the piano.  For some reason, I feel like I'm in a sort of creative zone right now.  I wrote a little poem in my head last night at three in the morning.  I actually recorded it in the memory on my cell phone, since it was dark and I had no paper or nuthin.  I haven't listened to it, but I'm sure it'll make me feel dumb.
    So an eventful day yesterday.  I met Johanna, whom I work with at the magazine, for coffee and XandO on 13th st., and we chatted about our mutual frustrations about the magazine.  And the people.  And our hopes, aspirations, dreams, problems, and etc.  Lately, when we hang out, it's on my mind a lot that she's only nineteen.  I'm going to be twenty-five in 9 days, and we're about on the same page as far as having our shit together. I've always been a late starter.  Though I suppose being in New York at that age would make you grow up faster than where I went to school.  That kind of sounds like an excuse.  And I suppose it is, but it's a legitimate one.
    After that, I went over to Rodzilla's place. We had plans to see Luna at the Bowery Ballroom.  Jed was also supposed to come, but he wasn't feeling up to it.  So beforehand we went for a few drinks at the Sidewalk on 6th st. and Ave. A.  A popular East Village spot for me and those I call "friends."  So once there, I asked "Do we need to have a talk?" And she said "A talk about what?"  I had planned on doing this the day before,  but certain circumstances did not permit it.  Anyway, it was another conversation about us.  We've had a lot of them in the past several months.  Basically, the conversation centered around there no longer being an "us."  This futile pursuit of mine wasn't doing either of us any good, and I've known this.   So I told her, "I give up."  And I'm going to try to mean it.  There's all sorts of shit that i've got to get in order right now, and this has been taking up too much of my attention. If there were a future in it, of course I'd devote as much time to thinking about it as I have.  But it's not reciprocated, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm almost twenty five, and I need to get my shit together.  And obviously, we don't want the same thing.  And it's often a cause of awkwardness, at least for me, because I can't say things that just naturally flow with the conversation because they sometimes seem like they might be loaded with a context that I don't intend.  So i guess we just start a new phase with each other.  Anyway, i doubt this will really change anything between us, since for the past few months we've pretty much been hanging out in the mode she prefers anyway, which, don't get me wrong, has been enjoyable.  This was just the Appomattox, if you will.

    So after that, and a slice of pizza, we got a cab and headed over to the Bowery Ballroom, over on Delancey Street.  We missed a song and a half of the show, but i didn't really mind, since this was probably my ninth Luna show and they don't really mix it up live.  It was one of the better shows of theirs I've seen. They were particularly tight.  The show seemed to go by really quickly, but it was over an hour and a half.  And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly preoccupied with the pre-show developments.  But it was also tough not to get into the music.   I really like what the new bass player brings to the band's live show.  And she's super cute.  Rodzilla was particular impressed with Luna live, to the point where she was having involved fantasies about playing the bass in a rock band, and the logistical problems of how she would wear her hair.  Should she wear it down, even though it would probably get in the way?  Or should she put it in berets, even though that's not very "rock 'n roll"?  Anyway, I was thinking that it must be nice to have such a dedicated fan base, that you can play ten shows in two months in New York, and have them all sell out.  And to just play the same songs too. I suppose that would get really old after a while, but they seemed to be really enjoying themselves. Maybe because they all live in New York, and they get to play a sold out show then go home and sleep in their own beds.  Sounds like a little piece of heaven to me.
    So after the Luna show, we walked back to the east village, and went back to the Sidewalk for one drink.  Then I let loose with a barrage of things I probably should have just kept to myself but just had to "get off my chest."  Of course, I guess I don't feel any better now after saying them.  But if I hadn't, it woulda just bugged me indefinitely.  And it seemed like the appropriate night for it, if not the appropirate moment. I just kind of forced it in there as we were walking home. Anyway, if there was going to be any sense of closure at all, instead of another of these talks that don't really change anything, I had to let loose.  So I did.

That was well after midnight, so maybe I was an April Fool today after all.
 
 
 
 

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 Coincidentally, my horoscope today read:
    The Moon moves into a new Sign today, flooding your confident world with yearning and undefined energy. If you're a long way from where you find comfort, head for home. When you're feeling this emotional, it's very helpful for you to find your center, your roots or the place from which it all began. There's nothing to be ashamed of if you give in, give up or strike out. This isn't about surrender -- you just need a chance to revitalize before moving on.

That sounds about right to me.

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