I went to a show at Irving Plaza tonight, with Jen, my brother Geoff, and his girlfriend Elizabeth. Jeff Tweedy, the lead singer of Wilco, gave a solo show. It was great. I was a little skeptical beforehand. I've heard some of his solo stuff and thought it was ok, but not great. Plus, Wilco's such a good live band I was almost sure I'd enjoy the solo show less. But I have to say, after the hour and a half show, a band seemed really superflous. He was just great. By himself, just the guitar and sometimes a harmonica. I didn't think it could be that entertaining, but it was captivating. The last time I saw Wilco, I didn't know a lot of the songs, and I still thought it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. I knew a few more tonight, but not half of them, and I still thought it was one of the best shows I've seen. It actually gave me a lot of hope for James' music career. I always thought a man and a guitar was a bit sparse. But James has evolved to the point where that can really work. Jeff Tweedy seems to have mastered it. The highlight was probably the Woody Guthrie song "Remember the Mountain Bed." Great song. Beautiful.
Anyway, besides that, i've been doing a little personality inventory. You know, the characteristics that make up my general being right now. As usual, "introspection" is holding steady at the top spot. Within that, it varies. You have your moody introspection, stoic introspection, self-deluding introspection, drunken introspection, and the occasional oh-look-isn't-that-little-kid-so-cute-the-world-is-a-beautiful-place sort introspection. That type is the best. Happened today when I was walking home in the afternoon and some little girl and her dad were walking down the street, and while she was talking he always looked down directly at her. She was telling her dad that the red team won the game 5-6, and the dad said "Oh, boo!" I thought that was a nice father-daughter moment. I turned to get a better look at him, but his back was to me. He seemed like a pretty decent guy though. Which is important.
Anyway, also high on the personality inventory is total self-immersion. Well, not total, but I'm much more interested in myself than I probably should be. I know it's wrong and probably not healthy, but let's be honest. I'm having a lot of time being interested in what someone is saying unless what they're saying is directly about me. Even when someone is talking about someone I know or care about, my interest peaks when it gets down to how it relates to me. I know this is a serious problem, and I'm not happy with myself about it. And I know it probably pisses of the people i care about. Though I wouldn't be surprised if they saw this trait a long time ago. I'm really trying to consciously get better, but it's tough. I really have to try to not go for the conversational interception and try to start talking about myself anytime someone pauses or takes a breath. I think I did ok today. I know I've had this problem for a while, but I really only started to think it was a really bad thing this afternoon. I cut out of work an hour early and met Rachel at the Tea Lounge, here in Park Slope. I've been going there more often lately, usually with Rachel. Come to think of it, she's the one who showed it to me and I don't think I've been there without her. I tried to go in yesterday to finish my book, but it took me a while to figure out it was closed. I worked out for the first time in weeks yesterday, and I was feeling very weak afterwards, so I thought I couldn't open the door becasue I was too drained. Turned out the door was locked and the place was closed.
Anyway, she was telling me about how she's leaving in two weeks, how things with her roommate aren't how she wants them, about her friends and leaving the east coast, and all this stuff, and how I was the first person she really talked to about all this stuff. And I of course was glad that she'd feel comfortable enough with me to tell me these things that are really important to her and trust me to understand, or at least be sympathetic. so I tried extra hard to be an attentive listener. and I think I was. The fact that I had to try so hard was what tipped me off to my selfishness problem. I mean, for the first few minutes, it was really tough not to jump in and start talking about myself. Actually, during the part when she was telling me about her moving out and roommate situation, I took the opportunity to tell fill her in about what happened with me and Berry almost two years ago. Which also reminded me that it, god, it's been two fucking years since I've spoken with her. Anyway, for the most part I kept my mouth shut and didn't day dream and only looked out the window when emergency vehicles passed by. And only ones with their sirens and lights on. And I really enjoy sitting in the Tea Lounge and having nice little talks. It's nice to have someone to hang out with in my neighborhood on a weekday evening. Rachel's been pretty good to me lately. Especially in helping me out with my recent financial troubles. I mean, she's not paying back my student loans or anything, but she's been pretty much bankrolling my leisure activities since Friday. So have Jen and Jed, actually. I'm feeling very guilty about that. Anyway, I guess I should do something nice for Rach before she leaves. It kind of sucks that she's leaving town for law school. I've known her a year now, and only in the past few weeks have I actually started to enjoy her company. I never disliked her, but I considered her "Jed's friend," and I never really looked forward to hanging out with her. So as soon as I actually start to enjoy her being around, I find out she's leaving in a month. Typical. Still, I can't really understand what it's like for her. She's from the midwest, and has been on the east coast for the past six years. I can't imagine being out of driving distance from my family. I've been on the east coast my whole life, and I guess I'm scared to leave it. there's always something keeping me here. I was talking to Doug last week, and he's always told me I needed to get out of the East Coast. I thought, you know, Virginia, DC, New York, PA; I thought it was a good variety. By the way, i can't recall the last time I used a semi-colon. I wonder if I even used it correctly. It's my weak spot. Anyway, it frustrates me how I can't get up the nerve to just up and move out west or to texas or wherever. And I really want to go to Texas right now. I tell myself that if I want to write, this is where I need to be. And while that's probably mostly true, I know it's also partly a reason just to not have to go somewhere unfamiliar. This is the longest I've lived in the same place in 4 years, and I'm just starting to get the hang of New York. It's been hell at times, but I think i've grown a lot in the past year or two. I know I have. But I don't want to stay here forever. I gotta get out before i really get stuck and turn more cynical or whatever happens to lifetime New Yorkers. If I were to ever have kids, i'd definitely not want to raise them here. There's just too much potential for fucked up and crazy shit. And tonight's show just made me want to be driving in my car, under a clear night sky, listening to the radio. While Jeff Tweedy was singing, I thought a lot about the late night, moonlit drives I took between Lexington and DC two years ago. It was hellish at times, but always worth the trip, and sometimes it was really great, visually and emotionally. And that actually made me think about a journal entry I made on March 8th, 1999, about one of those drives. It's toward the end of the first section, if you're interested. Anyway, as far as New York, I figure I'm here for at least another year I think.
In the midst of my no-updating for the past few weeks, I forgot to notice that Daily Aggravations and Regrets is now over two years old. And, oh, what a crazy and wacky and totally outrageous two years it's been. i should probably update the Nouns page, since some of those haven't been updated in the two years since I wrote them. Anyway, here's the obligatory link to entry #1.By the way, my one of my favorite people right now is someone I like to call "Past Greg." But more on that later. He's a really great guy though.
I'd never thought I'd use a "teaser" in a journal entry.
DA&R
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