11.06.00
Monday

    My good friend Jennifer Leigh Murphy introduced me to a new term last week.  That term is persecutory anxiety.  I'm not sure what the exact clinical definition is, but it seems pretty self explanatory.  And right now, I seem to be experiencing this phenomena in excess.  It's possible that I've always been this way and that the only reason I'm more conscious of it is because now I have a handy little term for it.  So maybe it's psychosomatic.  Wait, can it be psychosomatic if it's just a mental affliction?  A moot point, actually, because I think it's affecting me physically anyway.  I was a twitchy, nervous wreck all day today. But that could be attributed to a number of things.  I didn't consume any food or drink today except a cup of coffee, some water, and two tootsie pops.  And I was sort of nervous about class today too.  And I had a shitty day at work.  Something is weird and wrong at the Department of Parks and Recreation, and I don't like it.  Something just seems off. Maybe it has to do with the awful job I must be doing.  I really am trying, but it's just not coming together like I thought it would. And I hate letting people down.  Which may explain the persecutory anxiety today. I think it originates at work.  Both jobs, really.  I can't seem to get in a consistent flow.  Lots of ups and downs. Which, I know, is life.  But there's no routine and I kind of need that right now.
    Continuing the persecutory anxiety thoughts, two people that commented on the piece I wrote for Insound.com didn't think much of my work.  One of them went so far as to call me dumb.  Not that I care what that dolt thinks. He thinks I got my facts and dates wrong, when in fact I did not. So I had to correct him by replying to his post. I felt sort of petty doing it though.  The piece wasn't really meant to be a serious argument, just something to consider.  Basically, the argument was that music and arts will be much better if George W. Bush is President.  I then went off on a very one-sided argument that, while technically full of real facts, was full of holes.  Some people just have no sense of humor.  Or a very dumb sense of humor.  One of them wrote that I was obviously kidding, but then went on and on about what was wrong with my argument.  And another guy went on and on about everything that was wrong with the US.  But it's nice to stir some conversation, however minimal.   My guest professor in class today said that he felt a journalist's job, at least one of them, is to make conversations better, to open dialogues and avenues of communication.  And in my own small way, i think I did a little of that.  So i can at least take some solace in that.
    But on the whole, I'm somewhat dissatisfied with how things are right now.

    I'm actually very curious, and dare I say, excited about the election tomorrow as well.  I'm furious at Jed, by the way.  the first time I ever try to vote, and it gets all fucked up. I filled out my absentee ballot, and asked him if he'd mail it for me, since he gets up earlier than I do and the thing had to be in by Friday. That was last monday night.  And I said only tell me you're going to do it if you're really going to, otherwise I'll do it myself. So i didn't see it where i left it the next morning, so I thought great. My mom called and asked me if I voted, and I gave her a resounding yes.  So on saturday, I'm walking by the kitchen table, and I see this envelope, and i think "gosh, that looks familiar.  Who else had to send in an absentee ballot. And with handwriting so similar to mine."  Of course, it was MY fucking ballot.  Yeah, I could have done it myself, but I didn't, because he told me he'd do it.  It's not so much that he forgot to mail it. it's the fucking attitude he took when i told him I was pissed.  He just shrugged it off and said it didn't even matter.  Then acted like I dick when I told him i was pissed.  Pissed the fuck out of me man.  It's typical and all too common behaviour these days. Anyway, I don't want to get on a rant, but don't ever ask Jed to mail official documents for you.  Or emotionally commit, for that matter.  that's another tale.

    Anyway, I sure am looking forward to getting out of New York this weekend. I'm going down to DC for a few family-related things.  Birthday parties and whatnot.  I'm the only of the four brothers attending, so I'll get the full brunt of the hello-there-you-chinese-but-not-chinese-enough-relative! looks and comments. Which is just super.  I really hate feeling like an idiot, but I have to say that i feel like my Chinese language skills are at an all-time low.  They've never been great, but at least when I was in DC and teaching kindergarden I talked Chinese everyday. Sure, most of it was to 4-year olds, but that's about my top-level of ability.  Boy, I sure am using a lot of hyphens today.  Anyway, I have three parties to go to, but I'm hoping to get out of at least one of them.  I'd really like to see some people while I'm down there. So far, my list includes Matt, Nicole, and Jen from On My Turf.  Well, that's probably the whole list.  And maybe some others.  But I have two days and two nights to accomplish this, so i think it should be ok.  I just need to do something fun and mindless.  I really need that right now.
 

    Anyway, it's late.  I'm kind of lonely.
 

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