My social world is imploding.

    Lots of changes going on, and I'm not feeling too good about them.  Although, in most cases, they really don't come as much of a surprise.  But that still doesn't make them any less sad.

    The show in Williamsburg last night went well.  James sounded really good, probably the best I've heard him play.  And the folks that played with him were really good as well.  I'm not afraid to say that I was completely envious of the reckless abandon that everyone not only played with, but also with how they enjoyed the music of the others.  It was so celebratory, and I loved it. But I mostly sat there, playing my usual role as the aloof, silent asian boy.  I played two songs with James, which were cut short because I was fucking up I think. Anyway, he didn't seem to into them.  But it was fun nonetheless.
    But after the show, around 2 AM, Jed, Matt, and James got into this big...thing. I don't know if I'd really call it an argument or what.  But Jed and Matt were going to play this song that they had a lot of fun playing at the Lake last weekend, and James was sort of upset over it.  I was talking to James's friend Dierdre, so I missed the first part of it. Jen was observing on the couch when I walked over, and filled me in on what was going on.  "This is really bad," is all she said, but that pretty much summed it up.  I sat down listening, but quickly fell in and out of sleep. But I was still able to keep a good tally of what transpired. Basically, without really even hearing most of the conversation, it seemed pretty clear that the three of them were evaluating the true nature and value of their friendship.  As it has already been made abundantly clear to me this week, people change.  And James, for one, has changed.  As have Jed and Matt.  But we've been friends for six years.  So shouldn't we go on being friends?  Well, something also made clear to me earlier in the week, is that people's needs change as well. What James got from Jed and Matt two or three years ago, he doesn't necessarily need now.  So what do you do about it? While Matt and Jed seem content to just enjoy James's company, James seems to take a more active role.  He needs them to "fit" into his world more than they need him to fit into theirs.  James just has certain needs I think.  This isn't too say that any and all problems with this group spring from James.  Not at all. I for one, and Jen as well, were sort of horrified that Matt and Jed were actually going to play their "penis and vagina" song, even if only two other strangers were in the room.  It didn't exactly jibe with the folksy feeling of the evening, and it really would have soured the mood I think.  Anyway, the kept talking and talking, and saying the same stuff.  The weird thing was, no one was really disagreeing with anybody that much.  James was pretty open to what Matt and Jed were saying, though I guess it didn't make him too happy. "I really didn't need this tonight" is how he summed it up while walking away.  And true, it was a pretty happy and festive night before that. I don't think I've seem James that uninhibited and happy, well, ever.  singing, dancing, and making merry like never before.  So I'm sure he's gotta be bitter about the conversation that went down.

    As for me, I'm not sure where i fit into all this.  I actively didn't want any part of it.  So I sat it out with Jen.  Kind of like the kids caught in between when the parents are fighting.  Only we didn't cry and think it was out fault.  I was sort of passed out on the yellow velure couch for a good part of it.  Occasionaly, perhaps to inspire some sort of levity, they'd say "Let's ask Greg," and I'd sit there with one eye closed and the other half closed, rocking side to side.  But I could really see James' point.  On the other hand, I completely understood what Matt and Jed were saying about James not being as flexible as they are when they all hang out together. Matt was saying how he has to check himself when James is around because he knows that there are things that he does that James doesn't find funny.  And James' can't really be neutral I think, though he may try. Everything's gotta be really good or bad with Jimmy.  Anyway, I think I fall somewhere in between, which is where I normally am.  I really do relate to them differently.  But James has always been looking for something more. Something more meaningful than the tomfoolery he sees in the rest of us I think. And I don't blame him.  But it's still sort of saddened us to see James slipping away.  I've talked to Jed about this before, and I guess we just feel like we're not cool enough or something.  I'm not really sure what the aftermath of all this may be.  Maybe we'll just see less and less of him. I barely saw him when I wasn't working with him.  But when I started working at his company, I felt like  that really revitalized our friendship.  So maybe this horrible blowout is just a necessary and important step to a better understanding between all of us and a stronger relationship.   All I know is, I value my friends more than anything else.  And even though I've felt it slowly fading away over the past few months and even years, the prospect of some sort of actual conclusion saddens me in a profound way.  I slept really fitfully last night.  One of the worst nights of sleep I've had in a while.

    Basically, I am afraid.  That's what I was told.  Dierdre freaks me out sometimes. She has an acute sense of other people, like no one else i've ever met. And I love it.  She's just a nice positive presence to have around in an atmosphere that is often debilitatingly negative.  Too often, true, sweet moments are made to feel saccharine.  So it's always nice to see her, because she doesn't really have a bad thing to say about anyone, and even if she does, she always tries to put a positive spin on it. I'm not trying to deny certain ugly truths, and sure, at times putting positive spin on things all the time tends to sort of weaken other statements that don't need it, but on the whole, her outlook is very refreshing. Basically, she was telling me about me.  I think it's all in the eyes.  Without me saying anything about it, she kept saying "You have sooo much on your mind."  Not that that was any huge secret.  I have to stop qualifying things, by the way. Wastes too much time. I'm too worried about sounding naive or stupid.  Which brings me to what Dierdre was saying, that half of me is really spirited and fun and whatnot, but it's really obscured, and more precisely, held back, by the other half, which is basically just fear.  And it's true. So we talked about me for quite a while. I'm sort of sick of talking about me. I've been doing it all week. I mean, more so than usual.  But I actually spared Deej the details of what I was really thinking about. It wasn't really that important to the conversation, really.   But I told her that I'm cursed with the contradiction of being horribly self-centered , but  embarassed by people's attention when I get it.  I was really glad to hear her kind words about me, and really needed it, but it almost made me uncomfortable.  She attributed this of course to my ever-increasing and all-encompassing fear.  I wish I could remember more of what she told me, because at the time it seemed to make the world ( my world, anyway), make a lot more sense. While she was talking, I felt really good.  I thanked her for her insight, gave her a hug, and subconsciously thought, or felt, a line from Slaughterhouse Five.  "Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."

    I've changed so much in the past two or three years. More than i really realized until recently.  Still, what I want hasn't changed, I'm sure about that.  But what I'm willing to do for it has.  Another out of context Vonnegut quote I've been thinking lately: "I'm not going to put on anymore puppet shows."
 

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