June 4, 2000.  Sunday

 

    I used to hate sundays because I either had school the next day, or I had work.  Even when I worked last year, I still had this feeling of dread on sunday nights, because I still couldn't quite lose that school-type anxiety you feel while watching football or something on a sunday, because you have homework to do.  By the way, that phrase "when i worked last year" sounds pretty ludicrous, like "Ah, yes... work... i tried it once. it didn't take."  Of course, that's precisely the point.  Now I dread sundays because I don't have work the next day, I don't have school.  I have all this free time, but no one else can do anything because they need to work the next day.  So it's just a big reminder that I don't have a job.  So now i dread mondays because I don't have anything to do.  I really need something to do.
    I took some steps toward that this week.  I, with much help from PFC Caryn, redid my resume, and I'll be faxing it off in the morning.  I plan to get up early and run, see.  And I actually did stuff today. PFC Caryn came over around 1, and we went up to the park and played frisbee with my brother Geoff and some of his friends, then played some softball with some not-particularly-good older type people.  Geoff is living here now, for the month of June. So i finally filled the empty room. That's a big fucking load off my mind.  So i got some excercise, the apartment business is getting settled, and I start the job hunt for real tomorrow.  All in all, things are allright. I made a deal with Jed that if I don't do at least a chapter a day in my web design manual, I'll owe him five bucks.  He decided that he needs to excercise, so during the time I'm studying he'll be doing push-ups, and curls and whatnot, or he'll owe me five bucks.  So I hope things are finally getting in order for the better.

    So I had a sort of disconcerting conversation with Rodzilla today. (Didja catch that bit of ironic foreshadowing back there?)  I just called to say hello, and we got into this conversation about how she'll be applying to law school somwhere or language school in California, and how she'll be busy and how she wanted to make sure I'd know that in case I didn't want to be in that kind of relationship and how we're different in how we're going about reaching the goals we want to reach, etc.  basically, what it comes down to is that there may yet again be a great geographic distance between us.  Dude, I've had ten days to enjoy her being back.  And all this is at least a year off.  So I'm trying not to think about it.  Sure, I'm glad she told me, to make sure I know where she's coming from and thinking.  I'm really glad, now that I think of it.  Damn. the more I think about it, the less upset I actually am.  Still, I've always taken issue with perceived priorities.  I mean, by the time this happens, if it does, we'll have been together for 3 years.  that's unfathomable to me right now.  I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. Anyway, by that time, as Jed said, "it's either time to fish or cut bait."  Or something like that.  But like I said, I'm not trying to think that far ahead. I'm just happy that she's moving to New York and we can finally figure out where things are going. I mean, it's been two years now, and the curiosity is killing me. I just want to know how it'll be once we're actually living in the same place.

I didn't mean to write this much.  And I don't think what i wrote is all that accurate in any one way.  I just feel kinda... i dunno... icky, I guess.  Whatever that means.

©2000 ThreeMatchBreeze