May 12, 2000.  Friday
 

 
    I'm in desperate need of a job.  But there are so many temp agencies that I don't know where to start.  Obviously, the best strategy would be to just pick one and call and keep calling different places.  But somehow I can't get into that.

    The weather has been alternating between beautiful and horrid.  My early morning plan of jogging wth Jed hasn't exactly panned out like I'd hoped.  For one reason or another, we just haven't gotten up and gone.  I was feeling like a big lazy piece o shit yesterday, so I took my rollerblades up to Prospect Park and tried to zip around a bit.  I was somewhat inspired by that horrible but great movie Airborne, which has been playing on TBS the last few days.  I'm really horrible at it though.  I'm somewhat bow-legged, and my right foot points outwards, so that makes it difficult for me to rollerblade, iceskate, or ski very well. So I gave up on that pretty quickly.

    After that, i ran some more chores on 7th Ave.  I spent most of the day running back and from between 8th and 7th Ave actually.  I can never just get everything done on one trip.  Whenever i'm home in PA, it drives my dad crazy that I'm always running out, making multiple trips to the same place because I always forget something.  Well, excuse the heck outta me.  Anyway, it was such a nice day, and I was still feeling guilty about not running, so I came back around 6 and went back up to the Park and tried to run for a bit.  It didn't go too well.  I ran for about 7 minutes, which was probably less than a mile given that rate I was dragging my ass around.  I never used to have this problem, but somewhere along the line my drive and will have crumbled.  I can't believe there was a time when I ran cross-country.  Those were like 3 mile races that took me over 20 minuts to finish, but I finished them. Now, all I think about is how nice it would be to just stop running, and that's all I think about, and I eventually psyche myself out and just convince myself that I'll never make it to where i want to make it to, and I might as well just stop.  I'm very disappointed in me.  So I walked for about 5 minutes, then started running again, about 80 yards from the exit of the park at 3rd st.  I live on the corner of 6th st.  So I ran, and by 4th st I was fucking pooped. Once I got to 5th st., I had convinced myself to stop there. But then I thought "Listen, you're going to run to 7th st., because if you don't even have to will power and stamina to go an extra fucking 50 feet, you might as well, just run into traffic, you fuck."  Yeah, well, so I ran to 7th st., and so I was at least not disappointed with myself for going that extra 50 feet.  hooray.

    I'm not sure when i began to not care about quitting.  It's this whole slacker thing.  I guess I'm not truly a slacker.  There's a certain threshold that I can't pass or I start to go nuts.  I just can't bring myself to be really happy while not doing anything. I need to achieve things, but the slacker part of me seems to be really against that, so I just sit around doing nothing, and end up feeling like shit for it.
 

    Amy at Dear World was writing something yesterday about needing to learn something. I've felt the same way for a while now. I just want to learn something new, anything. A new skill, or just some sort of knowledge.  Like tv repair, or web design, or flower arranging.  Something. Basically, I'm looking for a reason to get up in the morning.  these last few days of having absolutely nothing to do have been actually quite educational. I'm learning a lot about myself.  Actually, i'm confirming a lot of the things I had long suspected.  At least a month ago I had the excuse of school to justify not doing or learning anything.  Now, I really have nothing to do, and that's exactly what I'm doing.  I'm very disappointed in me.  But not surprised.

    I need a job, but I just don't fucking want a job.  I was watching the movie Office Space last night.  Probably the last movie I should be watching.  I really don't need to be reminded about how much i hated work.  Not that I needed the reminder.

    Just something interesting I saw the on wednesday:  I was waiting for the F train, and this Asian girl came up to me to ask me if the F train was stopping there, at West 4th St.  She had the weirdest eyes I've ever seen. Not weird I guess, but striking.  The were a very deep blue.  Kind of royal blue, almost navy, roughly the color of the title at the top of this entry.  It was really odd.  She wasn't particularly attractive, but her eyes were intriguing

    In other news, I went with Jed and Jen and newcomer Holly up to the Pavillion on 15 st last night, to see the movie Gladiator yesterday.  It was a pretty good movie. I like that Russel Crowe.  The violence was pretty graphic, but they didn't linger on any violent scenes. They just showed it in passing really.  But there were a lot of them.  But I always like summer movies, because good almost always wins over evil.  I need that sometimes.  Still, it's early in the season, so i wasn't quite sure how it was gonna turn out.  The Pavillion, by the way, was just recently renovated, and has these lovely, plush  seats, from a "Venetian" manufacturer, as the ads say.  They're kind of in the shape of airplane seats, but much more plush.  I almost felt bad about putting my feet up in the theater.  Anyhow, Jed thought the movie was a bit heavy-handed at points. The only time I thought so was when people would give little monoluges about what "Rome is..."  I thought it must've been any actor's dream to be in a big budget movie,  delivering lines about the "dream of Rome," in an epic, Ben Hur or Spartacus way.  Anyhow, the acting was good all around I thought, and the fight scenes were entertaining, so in the spirit of Jason in the comic Foxtrot, I'll give it two severed thumbs up.
 

    Jen from On My Turf emailed me the other day. She's coming up to New York and wanted to know if I wanted to meet.  I said sure.  Like I said, I need something interesting to get me out of bed in the afternoon.  I ain't heard from her since though. So i don't know if the meeting will occur.  I'm kind of curious, actually.  I've never met someone I know from the internet before.  it will be especially weird, because I don't even know what she looks like.  I talked to Mimi on the phone last December, and that was actually weird because I did know what she looked like.  The voice just didn't match up to what I thought it would.  So maybe I'll see her, maybe I won't. But even the prospect of some new experience is interesting enough.
 

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