So the paper that I was so happy about on monday, the one that i said I didn't care how my professor liked it? well, that was a lie. But not for the reasons that I thought. It was very poorly received, and I'm kind of sick of getting back papers where she writes more on it than I do. What's most heartbreaking about this is that I was really happy about that one. I've handed in a lot of shit at this school, and some has done well and some hasn't. But it seems that whenever I write as I truly want to write, whenever there's the most 'me' in the writing, that's when it sucks the most. Well, according to the gatekeepers of cultural journalism anyway. So that was very, very disappointing. I'm really starting to wonder whether or not I should even be here. I only like writing because I like how I write. If I have to change that, even if it means that it "improves," I don't know if I want to keep writing. if it just turns into just another cumbersome job, why the hell would I do it? It pays shit. I might as well just do it as a hobby. At least then it would bring me some sort of joy. But like this, it's always fuckin work. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. maybe I shouldn't be in journalism. Dude, i don't know. but I'm going to see this woman on Monday. I just need a frank assessment of my writing. I want to know why she let me into this program. i just need to know if there's some little positive thing that I can build on here. Because right now, it just feels like I'm here solely to get a little piece of paper that says "masters degree" on it. I really want it, but I don't think I can afford the tens of thousands of dollars for a piece of paper and no skills. 
"I'm so scared..." |
